Cover ups

Recently i've been covering up the truth more and more. Things aren't that simple when you have to do this and lie to people you love and treasure so dearly.

In all honesty, i wish i had the guts to tell the truth about certain aspects of my life, however there it is again, that annoying creepy little thing about being judged.
I am a person that constantly questions the "What if's" in life. What if i had done that, and what if i tell a certain person about what is really going on, will they back away or stay? That's the problem with the truth, you never know which way it is going to go.

Will that person accept the fact that you have tried to let them in to a hard and draining aspect of your life and take that as a compliment that they are able to trust you, OR will they back away and act differently around you.

The other day i was out in Sainsbury's where i saw a young couple in running gear, with their Berghaus rucksacks on their bag, debating over what loaf of bread to get. This is the kind of time and acceptance of a person i want in my life. I want to find that someone that will accept my difficult past as well as my difficult present and what hurdles i may have to over come in the future. Yes, i can't possibly bear to tell anyone about my issues as the last person i told totally took me for a ride and as always i ended up being the one that got hurt.

All in all, i wish i had the guts to tell people the truth, and struggles, however i don't have the guts to do so, and therefore i will judge and label myself as a pussy. Which yet again is another hurdle i must learn to overcome.

Purely Images

Acceptance

Re- reading this blog entry has made me realise how much things have changed since i last wrote this. Thinking back i must have written this when i was having a more of a positive spin on life, however right now i feel the complete opposite.
Although after reading this again it has made me realise that if i have been able to accomplish these feelings before, then maybe i can accomplish them again.
Overall it all takes time and as in the story of the Tortoise and the Hare "slow and steady wins the race." 

The feeling of acceptance and being accepted plays a big part in my life. For the majority of the past three years i have struggled to feel accepted by a group of friends or by family, but for the first time in a while things appear to be turning around.
Starting a new school has to have been one of the major factors. Getting a new group of friends and leaving everything in the past where it should stay, in the past and not to let it catch me up and follow me everywhere i go.
Also i feel as though i am becoming more of a stronger person. I feel as though i can tell people when they are pissing me off and when they've hurt me because at the end of the day if i don't tell someone it's going to hurt me more than if i do tell them. This is something i have always struggled with, hence the reason for starting a blog. My blog is a place where i can write everything and anything that's getting me down or pissing me off.

Learning to accept myself for who i am is a big deal. A close friend told me a couple of weeks a go something that they thought would piss me off. But weirdly it didn't because it helped kick something into gear, something that is helping me change the ways and habits that i have created and got myself into. At the end of the day, this friend has said what everyone is probably thinking, however i can't see this myself. I wish i could see it, but unfortunately that's not how things work. Forget GCSEs , A Levels and all that, i think that life is the hardest test given to you and how you go about it is important. Recently i feel as though i have slipped back into old ways, but now i feel as though i can go back to where i was and continue with just 'YOLO'-ing my way through everything.

While we cannot direct the wind, we can adjust the sails.
Photo courtesy of a friend's photography project.

Reflection

Do you ever wonder what life was like this time last year, or the year before in fact? I know i do. It pretty much takes up quite a lot of my time. I know that at last years work christmas party i was passed out on the toilet floors at 8.30pm ... not a wise move. This year however i lasted all the night, all the way into the early hours of the morning. I had a good time, but it made me realise how different my life is this year compared to last year. However at the same time, it really isn't much different at all. I know for a fact that there are certain aspects in my life that are exactly the same as last year, but there are some aspects that are completely different. I am entirely grateful for the things that are completely different as they are what have made my life that little bit better to cope with things recently. 

I know that there is still one major problem in my life that i am still struggling to overcome and that i feel like i have reached a never ending road that the same obstacles keep coming up in the way and i can't over come them. This aspect of my life TOTALLY SUCKS and i am actually sick and tired of it. I can't help thinking how much time it wastes in my life and how much effort it consumes within going from my day to day troubles. 

I know that there is one part of my life that is definitely different. 

For a long time i have been left feeling unwanted, useless, unhappy, scared, fearful, but for once i am feeling as though i have a group of people at school and out of school that i can turn to when things get tough. They may not necessarily know my entire life story and they may not understand the turmoil that i have to endure daily, but they are always there to put a smile on my face and make me laugh. I prefer them not knowing my secrets because otherwise they may treat me differently and that would hurt even more than anything. 

There are however still those wants and desires that i long for ever so desperately. I wish these would go away and leave me in peace so i would not have all my time taken up being concerned about it. 

I now know that i do have a future ahead of me. I may be totally unsure of what i want to do with my life, i keep questioning whether i should make the decision and go to University, but to study what i just don't know yet. That is what is holding me back from making that leap. The future is a scary thing to think about, all i can hope is that it will be promising and i won't end up making a bad decision that i will regret for the rest of my life. 

As i am coming up to the end of 2012, i want to write about everything that has happened this year to me. I will let out my secret of this past year so that maybe someone else out there going through this torture, will know that you're not alone. 

Stress V Sleep

The past few days i have had the worst couple of nights sleep ever, i missed going for a swim this morning and then missed my lift to school! In a way i guess it's a good thing as my body is just telling me i need to chill out a bit more than i already do. I guess most of the problems come down to the stress of school work and worrying over my future. I am completely undecided as to what i want to achieve in life, and at the moment i've reached a stage where i feel as though i should give up, yet i know that if i were to do that there wouldn't be the best of outcomes. So in the end i continue and persevere.

I love the sunlight in these photos, and to me it is the main focus in the picture. These were all taken on the way to Scotland. Going on a walk we came across a field of cows. I love this photo of this cow, it is completely un edited and purely how i took it.

I love these two photos because of the way 'Liam' and the cow are staring at each other! But also the way the father and the son are doing a similar pose as they both turned around to look at us.

This photo is of me, Imogen and my mum. We were on a walk in Scotland and it was such a lovely sunny hot day! We were taking the mikey with this photo and pretending to be in a photo shoot. This photo was taken by my Auntie. 

Recently i was looking through my photos on my laptop and they did bring back wonderful memories of the summer that i spent with my really good friend from Germany without whom i would not be where i am today. Even though we both live continents apart i always feel as though she is always going to be there for me no matter what. But also that i will always be there for her! I feel as though she has her whole life planned out and everything that she wants to do is finally getting sorted and is underway. She's applied for Cambridge and other top end Universities in England but also has sorted out what she wants to do for her gap year. In all honesty i am totally jealous of people like her that know what they want to do with their lives. Me? I have no clue! At the moment i am just trying to get through the challenges that each day brings and trust me they are a challenge.

You're Out to Get Me

Paranoia is a fear. It is an unfounded or exaggerated distrust of others, sometimes reaching delusional proportions. Paranoid individuals cannot help but to constantly suspect the motives and actions of others around them and they share a strong belief that people are "out to get them."

Looking for this definition made me feel quite shocked and overwhelmed. I didn't realise that paranoia was a mental health illness as such which made me feel even more humiliated than usual. I know that i do suffer from Paranoia, and i do agree with some of the symptoms listed under the definition. Some of these symptoms are incredibly relatable to my own life and my own journey that i am currently undergoing. For me, being Paranoid has to be one of the down sides of going about daily tasks. School and the being out in public is where my paranoia truly sets in. 

Being around people that don't really know truly everything about me makes things easier, but at the same time i do wish that they knew some of what i am going through as maybe, just maybe they may be a little more considerate and understanding about how they end up acting. There is one class at school that i feel so humiliated and embarrassed in throughout the entire lesson. I don't say anything because i don't want to cause a fuss and i hate it when people feel sorry for me. I can fight my own battles, i have been doing so very well for the past 2 years of my life. I hate it when people cannot accept that i can fight for myself and i can deal with things on my own accord. It just takes time to get there and for me to feel comfortable enough to tell someone to "shut up" or to "piss off." I just wish that i had to confidence and guts to do it now and didn't let my life be over run over this fear of Paranoia.

My trip to the Lake District this year allowed me to get away, maybe not how i would have liked, but it was away from Watford which is all i needed.

These two made this week.
My brother and my surrogate brother. 

Perfection is in the eye of the beholder.

I have never thought of myself as being a perfectionist but i guess when spending 4 days writing an English assignment, hours upon hours on my sketchbook for photography, and also scared to disappoint when running in cross country the other day i have realised that not only am i a perfectionist, deep down i truly am trying to please everyone more than myself. I want to do well, i want to please others, but when trying to do that i forget about me and what affect that has. I guess this would be one of the causes that has made me who i am right now. Unfortunately i don't like this person but i can't seem to change it as no matter how hard i try there is no way i can please everyone and be happy with myself.
Tonight my blog post has turned slightly into a diary post. I have a secret, but i'm scared of telling people as i'm scared they will judge me for what i have become. This has a serious affect on relationships with friends and meeting new people. I don't want to have to introduce myself and have to explain why i've had to drop a year and why i moved schools.
Another reason why i struggle to tell people my secret is because many don't actually understand it, they are shallow and just think that this 'lifestyle' is something i have chosen and am doing it for attention. Sometimes people just need to sit back and think and realise that everyone goes through struggles in life. Some are different and more complicated than others, but also people learn how to cope and deal with these events differently. I turned towards something dark and scary, that has completely enveloped me in a world of torment and confusion.

My Auntie from France took me to London on an evening out. I took this photo in the reflection of a glass barrier. I've always had a thing for St Paul's Cathedral, i have no idea why, but i just love taking photos of it. 

This is the roof of a market near The Shard in London. When i walked through this area of London i felt as though i was in Oliver Twist! 

This is my brother's rugby team playing a match. I was experimenting with the aperture settings when i took this and i quite like how it turned out as it's entirely different and unusual to what some photos look like. 

Because of feeling like this, i think this is why i turned to photography. It takes my mind off daily experiences and life as i just get to be creative.
I've always thought that writing a blog is corny and lame, but writing tonight has been a good thing for me to do.
Thanks for reading my babble.