Stress V Sleep

The past few days i have had the worst couple of nights sleep ever, i missed going for a swim this morning and then missed my lift to school! In a way i guess it's a good thing as my body is just telling me i need to chill out a bit more than i already do. I guess most of the problems come down to the stress of school work and worrying over my future. I am completely undecided as to what i want to achieve in life, and at the moment i've reached a stage where i feel as though i should give up, yet i know that if i were to do that there wouldn't be the best of outcomes. So in the end i continue and persevere.

I love the sunlight in these photos, and to me it is the main focus in the picture. These were all taken on the way to Scotland. Going on a walk we came across a field of cows. I love this photo of this cow, it is completely un edited and purely how i took it.

I love these two photos because of the way 'Liam' and the cow are staring at each other! But also the way the father and the son are doing a similar pose as they both turned around to look at us.

This photo is of me, Imogen and my mum. We were on a walk in Scotland and it was such a lovely sunny hot day! We were taking the mikey with this photo and pretending to be in a photo shoot. This photo was taken by my Auntie. 

Recently i was looking through my photos on my laptop and they did bring back wonderful memories of the summer that i spent with my really good friend from Germany without whom i would not be where i am today. Even though we both live continents apart i always feel as though she is always going to be there for me no matter what. But also that i will always be there for her! I feel as though she has her whole life planned out and everything that she wants to do is finally getting sorted and is underway. She's applied for Cambridge and other top end Universities in England but also has sorted out what she wants to do for her gap year. In all honesty i am totally jealous of people like her that know what they want to do with their lives. Me? I have no clue! At the moment i am just trying to get through the challenges that each day brings and trust me they are a challenge.

You're Out to Get Me

Paranoia is a fear. It is an unfounded or exaggerated distrust of others, sometimes reaching delusional proportions. Paranoid individuals cannot help but to constantly suspect the motives and actions of others around them and they share a strong belief that people are "out to get them."

Looking for this definition made me feel quite shocked and overwhelmed. I didn't realise that paranoia was a mental health illness as such which made me feel even more humiliated than usual. I know that i do suffer from Paranoia, and i do agree with some of the symptoms listed under the definition. Some of these symptoms are incredibly relatable to my own life and my own journey that i am currently undergoing. For me, being Paranoid has to be one of the down sides of going about daily tasks. School and the being out in public is where my paranoia truly sets in. 

Being around people that don't really know truly everything about me makes things easier, but at the same time i do wish that they knew some of what i am going through as maybe, just maybe they may be a little more considerate and understanding about how they end up acting. There is one class at school that i feel so humiliated and embarrassed in throughout the entire lesson. I don't say anything because i don't want to cause a fuss and i hate it when people feel sorry for me. I can fight my own battles, i have been doing so very well for the past 2 years of my life. I hate it when people cannot accept that i can fight for myself and i can deal with things on my own accord. It just takes time to get there and for me to feel comfortable enough to tell someone to "shut up" or to "piss off." I just wish that i had to confidence and guts to do it now and didn't let my life be over run over this fear of Paranoia.

My trip to the Lake District this year allowed me to get away, maybe not how i would have liked, but it was away from Watford which is all i needed.

These two made this week.
My brother and my surrogate brother. 

Perfection is in the eye of the beholder.

I have never thought of myself as being a perfectionist but i guess when spending 4 days writing an English assignment, hours upon hours on my sketchbook for photography, and also scared to disappoint when running in cross country the other day i have realised that not only am i a perfectionist, deep down i truly am trying to please everyone more than myself. I want to do well, i want to please others, but when trying to do that i forget about me and what affect that has. I guess this would be one of the causes that has made me who i am right now. Unfortunately i don't like this person but i can't seem to change it as no matter how hard i try there is no way i can please everyone and be happy with myself.
Tonight my blog post has turned slightly into a diary post. I have a secret, but i'm scared of telling people as i'm scared they will judge me for what i have become. This has a serious affect on relationships with friends and meeting new people. I don't want to have to introduce myself and have to explain why i've had to drop a year and why i moved schools.
Another reason why i struggle to tell people my secret is because many don't actually understand it, they are shallow and just think that this 'lifestyle' is something i have chosen and am doing it for attention. Sometimes people just need to sit back and think and realise that everyone goes through struggles in life. Some are different and more complicated than others, but also people learn how to cope and deal with these events differently. I turned towards something dark and scary, that has completely enveloped me in a world of torment and confusion.

My Auntie from France took me to London on an evening out. I took this photo in the reflection of a glass barrier. I've always had a thing for St Paul's Cathedral, i have no idea why, but i just love taking photos of it. 

This is the roof of a market near The Shard in London. When i walked through this area of London i felt as though i was in Oliver Twist! 

This is my brother's rugby team playing a match. I was experimenting with the aperture settings when i took this and i quite like how it turned out as it's entirely different and unusual to what some photos look like. 

Because of feeling like this, i think this is why i turned to photography. It takes my mind off daily experiences and life as i just get to be creative.
I've always thought that writing a blog is corny and lame, but writing tonight has been a good thing for me to do.
Thanks for reading my babble.