Recently i've been covering up the truth more and more. Things aren't that simple when you have to do this and lie to people you love and treasure so dearly.
In all honesty, i wish i had the guts to tell the truth about certain aspects of my life, however there it is again, that annoying creepy little thing about being judged.
I am a person that constantly questions the "What if's" in life. What if i had done that, and what if i tell a certain person about what is really going on, will they back away or stay? That's the problem with the truth, you never know which way it is going to go.
Will that person accept the fact that you have tried to let them in to a hard and draining aspect of your life and take that as a compliment that they are able to trust you, OR will they back away and act differently around you.
The other day i was out in Sainsbury's where i saw a young couple in running gear, with their Berghaus rucksacks on their bag, debating over what loaf of bread to get. This is the kind of time and acceptance of a person i want in my life. I want to find that someone that will accept my difficult past as well as my difficult present and what hurdles i may have to over come in the future. Yes, i can't possibly bear to tell anyone about my issues as the last person i told totally took me for a ride and as always i ended up being the one that got hurt.
All in all, i wish i had the guts to tell people the truth, and struggles, however i don't have the guts to do so, and therefore i will judge and label myself as a pussy. Which yet again is another hurdle i must learn to overcome.
Wednesday 24 April 2013
Monday 28 January 2013
Friday 18 January 2013
Acceptance
Re- reading this blog entry has made me realise how much things have changed since i last wrote this. Thinking back i must have written this when i was having a more of a positive spin on life, however right now i feel the complete opposite.
Although after reading this again it has made me realise that if i have been able to accomplish these feelings before, then maybe i can accomplish them again.
Overall it all takes time and as in the story of the Tortoise and the Hare "slow and steady wins the race."
The feeling of acceptance and being accepted plays a big part in my life. For the majority of the past three years i have struggled to feel accepted by a group of friends or by family, but for the first time in a while things appear to be turning around.
Starting a new school has to have been one of the major factors. Getting a new group of friends and leaving everything in the past where it should stay, in the past and not to let it catch me up and follow me everywhere i go.
Also i feel as though i am becoming more of a stronger person. I feel as though i can tell people when they are pissing me off and when they've hurt me because at the end of the day if i don't tell someone it's going to hurt me more than if i do tell them. This is something i have always struggled with, hence the reason for starting a blog. My blog is a place where i can write everything and anything that's getting me down or pissing me off.
Learning to accept myself for who i am is a big deal. A close friend told me a couple of weeks a go something that they thought would piss me off. But weirdly it didn't because it helped kick something into gear, something that is helping me change the ways and habits that i have created and got myself into. At the end of the day, this friend has said what everyone is probably thinking, however i can't see this myself. I wish i could see it, but unfortunately that's not how things work. Forget GCSEs , A Levels and all that, i think that life is the hardest test given to you and how you go about it is important. Recently i feel as though i have slipped back into old ways, but now i feel as though i can go back to where i was and continue with just 'YOLO'-ing my way through everything.
Although after reading this again it has made me realise that if i have been able to accomplish these feelings before, then maybe i can accomplish them again.
Overall it all takes time and as in the story of the Tortoise and the Hare "slow and steady wins the race."
The feeling of acceptance and being accepted plays a big part in my life. For the majority of the past three years i have struggled to feel accepted by a group of friends or by family, but for the first time in a while things appear to be turning around.
Starting a new school has to have been one of the major factors. Getting a new group of friends and leaving everything in the past where it should stay, in the past and not to let it catch me up and follow me everywhere i go.
Also i feel as though i am becoming more of a stronger person. I feel as though i can tell people when they are pissing me off and when they've hurt me because at the end of the day if i don't tell someone it's going to hurt me more than if i do tell them. This is something i have always struggled with, hence the reason for starting a blog. My blog is a place where i can write everything and anything that's getting me down or pissing me off.
Learning to accept myself for who i am is a big deal. A close friend told me a couple of weeks a go something that they thought would piss me off. But weirdly it didn't because it helped kick something into gear, something that is helping me change the ways and habits that i have created and got myself into. At the end of the day, this friend has said what everyone is probably thinking, however i can't see this myself. I wish i could see it, but unfortunately that's not how things work. Forget GCSEs , A Levels and all that, i think that life is the hardest test given to you and how you go about it is important. Recently i feel as though i have slipped back into old ways, but now i feel as though i can go back to where i was and continue with just 'YOLO'-ing my way through everything.
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| While we cannot direct the wind, we can adjust the sails. Photo courtesy of a friend's photography project. |
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